Pictures of You
by EdwardsLily
Summary: The first in a series of songfics - Edward and Bella miss each other so much during New Moon. Can they piece themselves back together? Oneshot, based on "Pictures of You" by The Cure. I know it's an ancient song.


**Pictures of You**

_I've been looking so long at these pictures of__you _

_That I almost believe that they're real _

_I've__been living so long with my pictures of you _

_That__I almost believe that the pictures are all I can__feel_

I found his pictures in December. They were bundled together under the floorboard – one I had never before noticed was loose. It took me a long time to look at them, thought I knew instantly what they were.

That and the CD – seeing them, remembering them hurt me. He hadn't left a note, or a reason. Just the pictures and the CD. Small mementos, but they hurt to see. I put them high on a shelf in the back of my closet, not willing to look at them. I wasn't willing to remember.

But I couldn't hold out for long. A rainy day in February found me all alone, sitting in my room. I couldn't go see Jake that day, as much as I wanted to. I'd been wanted to see him for a very long time, but I'd kept making excuses. Today was Valentine's Day – how could I see him? How could I let him see me like this? Boredom and heartache found me taking the pictures down from the shelf, and bringing them back to my bed to sort through.

_Remembering you standing quiet in the rain _

_As__I ran to your heart to be near _

_And we kissed as__the sky fell in _

_Holding you close how _

_I always __held close in your fear _

_Remembering you__running soft through the night _

_You were bigger__and brighter than the snow _

_And__screamed at the make-believe screamed at the __sky _

_And you finally found all your courage to__let it all go_.

At the first picture, I gasped. It was the picture that had bothered me so many months ago – the one of him standing with me in the kitchen, with his warm eyes and his easy smile. His arm wrapped lightly around me protectively, like he cared. I tried to soak in every detail of that perfect face, though my eyes blurred with tears and the picture went fuzzy.

_No._

I shoved the picture away. In that moment, everything was crystal clear. I knew why he'd left me. Just a glance at my face next to his confirmed everything I'd always known. He was perfect. I was plain. He had every reason to leave me.

_Looking So long at these pictures of you _

_But I __never hold on to your heart _

_Looking so long for__the words to be true_

_But always just breaking apart my pictures of you _

The pictures stayed with me for a long time. After Jacob changed, I looked at them when he went out on runs with his pack brothers. It was like a guilty pleasure. I hated the pain, but it felt good to remember. It felt good to feel _anything_ anymore. I knew Charlie was worried. He had gotten so used to my recovery that my sudden depression confused him. He hadn't understood that I was never really healed. What he was seeing from me now, I knew, was what he had been waiting for when _he_ had only just left me. Charlie wasn't expecting to see it now.

The pictures became a part of me. When I was alone, I could look at them and remember. The pain started to fade around the edges, because in these memories I at least knew that he loved me. It was so clear in his eyes. I could sink into painful imaginings, in which everything was still okay.

_I've been looking so long at these pictures of__you _

_That I almost believe that they're real _

_I've __been living so long with my pictures of you _

_That __I almost believe that the pictures are all I can__feel_

_If only I had thought of the right words _

_I could __have hold on to your heart _

_If only I'd thought of__the right words _

_I wouldn't be breaking apart all__my pictures of you_

Then I would fall back into nightmare. I would remember why he left me, and I would wake screaming again. It was me, all along. I didn't know why I let myself live those fantasies, because they hurt too much.

_Remembering you fallen into my arms _

_Crying __for the death of your heart_

_You were stone__white so delicate lost in the cold _

_You were__always so lost in the dark _

_Remembering you__how you used to be _

_Slow drowned you were__angels _

_So much more than everything oh _

_Hold__for the last time then slip away quietly _

_Open__my eyes but I never see anything_

_If only I had thought of the right words _

_I could__have hold on to your heart _

_If only I'd thought of__the right words _

_I wouldn't be breaking apart all__my pictures of you_

In one of my dreams, he lay beside me in bed and held me. It felt so real – the scent of him, the feel of his cool skin against me. I burrowed deeper into the cool circle of his arms, where I felt like I belonged. Being held by Jacob wasn't like this – not at all. I loved Jacob, but he wasn't Edward.

"Bella?" he whispered into my ear. I felt the chill of his breath down the back of my neck, and shivered in my sleep.

"Bella, I love you."

I wanted it so badly to be true. My heart filled and burst with longing, and tears ran down my face. "Edward –" I choked.

When I woke then, I expected him to be there. He wasn't. There was just a horribly empty place in my bed, and a hollow ache in my heart.

Thinking past the tears, I knew this had to stop. There was no way I could go on like this. It was unhealthy, and horrible. My trembling hands found the box of pictures, and I clutched it close to my chest, absorbing the memories for one last time. Then, as Charlie was gone, I went downstairs and dumped the box in the sink.

The matchbox wavered in my hands, the burning flame dancing uncertainly. I made myself look away. I made myself drop the match. And then I watched Edward's pictures burn. There would be no more memories to haunt me from now on.

I was truly and completely alone.

_Looking So long at these pictures of you _

_But I__never hold on to your heart _

_Looking so long for__the words to be true _

_But always just breaking__apart my pictures of you_

_There was nothing in the world that I ever__wanted more _

_Than to feel you deep in my heart_

_There was nothing in the world that I ever__wanted more _

_Than to never feel the breaking __apart_

_All my pictures of you_

**Please Review. Writing this made me pretty down.**


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